Um Hi. Everything. Hurts.

{Written on Monday, September 28th, 2020}


The End. I’m DONE! I have cried, I have read, I have studied the research (Advice: Do not attempt to do this task at night…)

  • Note: this is a long and vulnerable one, but I hope you are able to read it all, even in “chapters”.

What am I talking about? To be honest, sometimes I don’t even know what I am talking about when I start to journal things out, and talk it out with a friend or family member.

  • Note again: like you, not all days feel down and as you read this, I’m most likely on the “up end” again. this is simply a mere truth serum that I hope you can take a little bit from and connect with.

I want to be honest with you and I think y’all are ready to hear me out. Let me pre-face in saying that I am fully aware that life is not filled with constant rainbows and butterflies and that YES, I have vented to you about my thoughts and feelings prior to this post. Full Disclaimer: I am Aware : )

Sure, we’ve all heard that 2020 is a literally a “fire dumpster” of a year. I mean, I moved to a new town in October of 2019 and just KNEW that this was the place that I would be meeting my new found “crew” and my calling towards healing, yet… I went inward, a lot. I stayed inside long after the “safety belts” were lifted and the leashes were let loose on all of us “human creatures”.

Was I the only one that was taking the mandatory isolation time to really sit in my S H I T ?

Perhaps I was, or perhaps I am just that intuitive to deal with it now, OR perhaps I am battling social anxiety, culture shock and PTSD all bundled up in to one scrappy little ball! Also, I don’t own a tv, streaming subscriptions, and I live alone… in nature… so there’s that wrench to toss in for y’all.

During the mandatory quarantine, I found I would be talking to myself at times, don’t we all? I would self-soothe in any way possible. I craved things I never ate before and quenched for tequila (I don’t even drink!) – I instead reframed that mindset and turned to freshly squeezed lemon water with mint daily. I pretended I was “okay” and that, “HEY, I actually LIKE THIS solo time + being alone was my JAM! PSssSHSHSHHhhh. Sometimes too much of a good thing is just the opposite, total “diminishing returns” economically speaking.

I discovered truly that I was a little shattered and broken if I may be honest. I think that I still am picking up and placing some of the pieces back together. Over the course of about 3 – 4 years it seems like I have been experiencing some pretty extreme health issues. I say, “extreme” due to the fact that I haven’t had chronic ailments for this length of time or to the extent that I have been aware about.

I got ill with Mold in early January 2017 due to water damage negligence from a leaky roof in a home I was renting. Let’s just say I didn’t press charges to the landlord, but my life has never been the same mentally or physically (or emotionally). Before I was diagnosed, I spent many months in bed, simply exhausted, inflamed and “irritable” at a pin drop. I had to use all of the ailments to help me fall asleep, menthol balms with CBD, Magnesium pills + bath soaks with candles, gummy ear plugs, light blocking sleep masks and meditation music – yes, all at once and all in the attempt to fall asleep at bedtime. It became clear to me, as a personal preference, to always avoid conflict in life, that I didn’t want to be the “burden”. Learning later in life that your personal health and wellness should never be a “burden” when you are advocating for your life and state of well-being.

Are you ready for more? Ok.

Low – Toxic + Non – Toxic Living has become one of my biggest passions and positions here to share with you all. I think this topic stems much greater than something that is mainstream + tangible on the market, I.e. cleaning products per se.

I truly believe that some of the most vital and mysteriously unsolved toxic invaders are those that are “invisible”, as you’ve seen evidence with the current COVID-19 Pandemic.

Mental + Physical well-being ladies and gentlemen. I have to say that along with the lovely Mold (WAIT, did I mention to you the next home had Mold as well…sweet! In which the landlord frankly told me to move out?) Yes, it goes further. I have been through multiple traumas in my personal life that have now appeared to have manifested into the conditions they are at currently. Could the trauma really have been stuck in my body?

“Care to share, KB?”

Sure, why the HECK not, I’m on a roll, right?!”

“Um. Hi.” As I stand up shaking in front of you all flapping my palm cautiously in the air. “Everything, Hurts” – so, how much time do you have to listen?

I promise to you that I will be sharing my story with you all in a more formal format – it’s been in my documents “drafts” section for a good 7 – 8 years now.

*For now, I will share with you that, I have been through some Mental + Physical Toxins + Traumas like all of you have. Relationships that were abusive, serious concussions from owls (yes.) + athletics, friendships that were fatally lost, visual memories of terrorist attacks, families that were split apart + then mended with delicacy, and plenty of ego-busters along the way + should we throw in the “me too” movement?

My throat is literally clenching as I write all of this in the “here and now”, because I am on this journey, of authentic healing like you all have chosen to be on. I have been undergoing some Autoimmune conditions that seem mysteriously hard to judge and test for any concrete answers. Hence I just get embarrassed and stay inside alone MORE until the flare ups become manageable for me to feel comfortable exposing myself : Raynaud’s? Lupus? MS? Lions? Tigers? Bears? OH MY! And the naturalist in me is convinced that the earth will save me in the end. I think that is why, I have stayed so externally focused on sharing other people’s stories through my Podcast, “Just Bein’ Honest”. I want to build a community of consciousness, a wellness workspace.

I think in the beginning of starting JBH + the Podcast, I wanted to help people be, “OK”. I think at this current time, I really am seeing that I created my platform, because I love to share stories.

I am still that sensitive child eager to learn with curiosity, but more of the fact that I want to truly serve you all with resources to be successfully HONEST towards your path of healing – and we are here as a collective to do it together!

Surrendering to “help” is the saving grace. So, I am asking you all to join me on this communal quest towards healing through joining together as one.

Mental + Physical Toxins. How do you define those terms and how do they play a key role in your everyday lifestyle.

We have all been through traumas, big and small, the question comes down to… “Are you Ready to Heal the Mental + Physical Toxins?”

This is why I have been consulting people, just like you, on simple lifestyle changes you can implement in DESIGNING YOUR BEST LIFE!

Hi, I am a Lifestyle Designer with a unique and self-trademarked approach, that is sharing what I have both experienced, and what I have learned from my trials + errors matched with my energetic gifts.

If we want to get anywhere on this path of optimal living, we must first take that initial step towards asking for, “help”. I’m here to help.

If I’m “Just Bein’ Honest”, I have to admit something. I am scared to push “publish”, because I’ll feel like you all are about to see me naked or something.

So here goes!

xoxo KB

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s